Wednesday, October 24, 2012

My house

There was a moment when I first moved in that this felt like forever
As I was scraping and painting this house back to life I thought that I would know peace
That the home I had never felt had finally become revealed to me.

Now I fear that home, he is talking about a place that is a forever place
A love that is a forever love and I feel that old fear creeping in
The distrust of my past choices lingering like an old sickness

I can’t help but remember the words that we spoke to one another
Not this we but the old one, the me and her one,
And though we always said the words hesitantly, laughingly like we didn’t believe them
Because you know…even though we were stupid we were wise

Here I am in the now and all that was said isn’t true
Perhaps it was true as it was spoken
we thought if we said it first we could find the time later for the believing

but his is belief first, he is audacity and ruin and truth, capricious and unmoored
he is a wild storm at sea and I am hoping for an anchor and dreading an anchor
and choking myself with the idea of a chain

what is time if not a chain?
Linear and unbroken but made of of tiny pieces called moments.
There was a moment when I first moved in that this felt like forever.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Waiting for the Answers

You say I’m irresistible
then you resist me
You say you’re in love
then you update your online dating profiles
You say we are meant to be
then you are pretending none of it ever happened
You say I don’t realize I need time alone,
Then you say…really you do.
What am I supposed to believe?
You never lied to me
But your truths are more confusing than a lie could ever be
You say you’re sure
Then we’ll see.
Your words are sand in my shoes
What am I supposed to believe?

You say you are going crazy with wanting me
Then you won’t make a plan for Wednesday
You say you don’t want to use me
But can I give you a haircut?
You say I smell like the first time…in the coffeeshop
Then won’t tell me what that means.
You look wonderful to me, edible even
But I used to put you down.
You make my breath catch in my throat, my face tingles with desire
But when I had you, I ran away.
What are you supposed to believe?

Why does the world change so drastically in one day?
How can I pray for something earnestly only to receive it too late?
Why is there a whole maze of pain to walk through
before love will show me the way?
Why do I have to make every mistake five times
Before the lesson is tattooed on my soul?

How come my soul isn’t louder?
Speak, Soul. Speak up. Stop whispering.
We are all waiting for the answers.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

symbolism

Here is my desk. Imagine an iceberg. This mess you see on the surface is only the tip. Inside each closet, the basement, cabinets, drawers and my attic is the rest of the iceberg. I came back from vacation with a strange fire inside me to get rid of everything I own. But still I slept (unnecessarily) until 9am. So now I am going out to mow the lawn (its way overgrown). Another aspect of the iceberg.
This is my first iceberg I liked. I gave it away as a birthday present.
Here is the second one I made that I really liked. I gave it away as a "thanks for visiting me from far far away" present.
This is my favorite one so far. I always did love minimalism...in possessions and art. I am keeping it (unless it gets consumed by the strange fire and I have to get rid of it too) Dear Universe, I am ready to let go of everything. Every Thing. (willingness)

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

hearts and hats and funny looks

He gave this back. As if it were mine. I don't know what to do with it. Full of hearts. I wish I didn't have one, mine is aching so bad lately. It feels like a burning baton in the center of my chest. Dear Universe, heal me from within.

The first hat I made him. He didn't give that back. Curious.
Its all about perspective. Har har.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

icebergs

Lately, I am thinking about icebergs. I love the idea of something floating along on the surface as a warning signal but beneath the ocean is the real bulk, the unknown enormity of it. So much of my behavior and thoughts are like that, what seemingly is simple...Oh I don't know if I want to fall in love... beneath it: a weight, a mass of issues and problems and feelings that the iceberg of the original thought barely even hint at existing.



So I am beginning some drawings of icebergs, I really like the square looking ones. And I think I'll start with some drawings then maybe do some paintings of icebergs. It all reminds me of the hanging things I was drawing last year. I'll have to dig up some photos of those.

Monday, March 26, 2012

up in the air

Sometimes life is just up in the air...as soon as I want to nail something to the floor, gravity gives way and its space camp all over the place. Unfinished business is stressing me out lately. Speaking of that...
Here is a piece of unfinished business. I began this felt wallart a few months before E was born. I was going to put it in his nursery, I let K pick all the colors that she liked. But then her mother painted everything in primaries and it didn't match and I never finished it. EXCUSE ALERT! Oh man, I'm good at that. I just picked an excuse and ran with it to avoid finishing something that could've been amazing. So now I've lost the zest for that piece and I probably STILL won't finish it but maybe I can do SOMETHING with it. Make it into something new. I think I will cut it into 3 pieces and stretch them over frames. That would be cute and pass it onto my niece, Ayda.

In better news, here is something I did finish. Another blast from the past.
I thought about this and collected film strips for this for 4 years before I finally DID the lampshade. Sure it took a long time to conceive but I think it's one of my first actual finished products. Its been a learning process. I never had anyone to teach me how to start a project and finish it. Sometimes I still get overwhelmed by the process of taking the first step, having breaks in the middle and then accomplishing my goal. I think I also get caught up on the goal looking EXACTLY like what I had hoped, but little by little I am letting go of that. What goes up must come down, so hopefully things will come back to Earth soon and I'll be able to stand upright instead of feeling like a human cherry suspended in the gelatin of life. Oh! I also just realized I have this pre-concieved notion of Life Always Being Chaos! I'm going to leave that one in outer space so I can have a nice, quiet existence of making stuff and being happy.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

let everything die.


Well, I wrote a poem today which is good. I mean, its good I wrote but I don't know how I feel about the poem. Its nice to feel like writing again though. I've been writing up a storm for a few days. Creation is destruction, so it seems.

_
_

I guess what is strange is that my affections haven’t changed
You said I rejected you
But the trick is a two-way street
What I can’t give, that big thing, you want from me
What I want from you is too small, so small you’d rather have nothing.
So I’m not washing my dishes, no really… more than usual.
There’s a bad smell in my house -
old pizza, litterbox, dirty laundry, stale air.
I’m not watering the plants because they’re angry,
reminding me how they prefer to talk to you. I might
Let everything die.
Let everything die.

I miss you, that hasn’t changed.
But the God-part of me knows I’m choosing new
My feelings got turned off like underwater at night, nothing
And I have to swim upward but not toward
Just swim for my life
Drowning in despair, hopelessness, misdirection
I’ve been swimming to save someone
Rescuing the nearest victim
Time to save myself before I
Let everything die.
Let everything die.

I would hold you while you cried
If you would let me be a comfort, the greatest gift
A driftwood soul, but I understand near is not near enough
When you want to swallow me whole.
We can’t lifeboat each other into forever,
Eventually I will turn the faucet on
Face the grit that clings to saucers and coffeemugs.
You will tire of ignoring me and send out a reluctant ‘hello’
Which I should not misread as a beginning
My heart choking on the knowledge that you would rather
Let everything die.
Let everything die.